Late 2017 was a simpler time. We were treated to only 8 episodes of MTV’s Floribama Shore, for one thing. But now we’re fully into 2019 and we’ve been slogging through season 2 for almost as long as we had to spend on season 3 of The Hills, which is approximately 1,000 years.

Since there was some mild success, of course MTV ordered a full season 2. We just didn’t know at the time that that meant a two-part season 2 spanning NINE MONTHS. That’s right, Floribama Shore Season 2 is at its 26th episode, and presumably the season finale on February 7, 2019. Finally.

jeremiah and gus

Brooke, start us off, if you can recall back to when our shore friends arrived back in Panama City Beach for the world’s longest beach vacation. What’s changed, what’s not changed, and do you think this season will ever end?

B: Wowza, getting back to where season 2 started is a bit of a challenge. Here’s what I remember — Codi is now Codi 2.0 (and now pronounced “co-dye”), but is still so pale and in possession of so many polos. Nilsa is over Jeremiah and his asshat brother, but is swinging back around to a Gus Gus obsession that will last too long. Gus has decided he’s just going to have fun this summer. Jeremiah bought a hideous pink and palm tree romper set that he wears constantly. Candace is dating some guy who goes by his internet handle, GatorJay281SouthsideGod — we don’t ship it. Kortni is dating a creeper local named Logan, we don’t ship that either. Aimee has acquired a host of mermaid-related tank tops. And Kirk. Well, he’s still Kirk and he’s still from Atlanta. That about brings us up to speed with where we were 26 HOURS ago in the chronicle of Floribama Shore, but it’s nothing on where we’re going. Not only to Shore Dogs and the house and all of the clubs, but to New Orleans and to Mexico and all over the damn place for group arguments in new surroundings. But we’ll get there.

For now, I can definitively say that I’m sure this will never end. But nothing will stop us from discussing it. So, AM, do your best to recap for the people all that has transpired and then we’ll get into our favorite bits of this absurd show that we can’t quit.

A: I actually think you recapped us quite nicely, but I will elaborate a bit, based on what I can remember. The main drama for most of the season is broken down thusly:

  • Kortni is dating also-local Logan. Logan has crazy eyes and weird ’90s hair and seems the most Florida out of this whole group. Kortni has a pregnancy scare that includes a scene in which she is trying to examine a used pregnancy test and Logan just happens to come up the stairs right as she’s shouting and waving about it. Logan might be drunk the entire time he’s on camera, as he has no clue that Kortni thought she was going to have his spawn. Next, Logan is issued with a restraining order because he stalks Kortni post-scare and post-breakup (just, no). Kort and Jeremiah become v close over the course of the crazy ex-boyfriend issues, and Kort makes a move on the beach. Jeremiah then becomes the worst and not only rejects Kort’s advances, he hijacks her “biiiiiiitchhhh” catchphrase and actually calls her one for real. Finally, Kortni starts dating a guy who she’s “known awhile,” and is described as a “car flipper,” but I can’t remember his name or personal details aside from the fact that he drives a $120,000 Audi and probably is a drug dealer. Because Kort, car flipping just isn’t a thing.
  • Gus and Nilsa flirt, she pushes the flirting into make-out territory, then finally to hunching. Gus, as much as I’m sure he loves hunching, isn’t into this. But he loves the attention, so they continue a “will they won’t they” dance until we’re thoroughly sick of them and Aimee threatens to never talk to Nilsa again if she keeps inviting Gus into her bed.
  • Once Candace’s odd internet boyfriend fades away just as mysteriously as he popped up, Co-dye makes one last-ditch effort at proving to Candace that despite the fact that he’s been flirting up a storm in every bar all summer he’s only got eyes for Candace. And the two of them go on a really nice — if a bit over the top — date. Co-dye has his dad to thank for it, in an episode that teaches us exactly why Codi has the alcohol tolerance he does.
  • Jeremiah and Kirk aren’t the key figures of this season, aside from Jeremiah’s insistence that his opinions aren’t actually moral and behavioral lectures. His abs are still great, but I’d say he has a long way to go away from the home school to actually learn how to communicate effectively and non-offensively to women. MORE KIRK! I wanted so much more from him, but we really only got one decent bar fight and some reactions from him, none of which compared to Drunk Kirk Dancing.
  • Aimee leaned hard into her Princess Goddess Mermaid persona, and I’m not mad. She and Nilsa became even more solid BFFs and roomies, but she does have a serious legal situation that the internets tell us is still ongoing. And it all started with a bar fight, but the girl who Aimee hit (or got a drink thrown on her, if you ask Aimee) is suing MTV because nothing says “spring break” like a prolonged personal injury lawsuit with a Fortune 500 company. I guess I’d rather take on Viacom’s lawyers than Disney’s, but I can’t imagine this is a good idea at all.

Brooke, what else? If you can recall back to all that’s happened, that is? And based on our exponentially increased body of work from these kids, who is your current favorite?

B: I think we’ve pretty well-covered everything that’s happened. But before I answer the astonishingly challenging question you’ve asked of me, I have to take a brief aside here. You, my friend, used the term “hunching” and then again said “hunch.” While I love slang and abbrevs, I simply cannot have this. Hunch and any variation of it is simply too dumb.

Now, you asked me which Floribam-er is my current favorite. Well, I can tell you who remains my least favorite, that’s easy, Jeremiah. For all the reasons we’ve previously stated but most especially for the way he treated Kort after she was honest about her feelings. That was inexcusable on so many levels, and especially so when he turned her own catchphrase on her, as you mentioned above.

And speaking of Kort, I have to say she probably remains my favorite — I’ve loathed all of these kids at some point over this marathon of a season, but Kortni has grown a lot, kept it real, and she gave us the purest joy when she drunkenly found her fav snack and yelled “Mac n’ cheese, biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!” I must also shout out Candace’s reluctance to go on the canyon swing in Mexico and Aimee’s absolute delight at going out of the country for the first time as other moments that I genuinely loved.

AM, per the time-honored tradition of reality RVees, give us your top-five moments of the season.

A: My top five moments will all probably be from the latter half of the season, as I literally cannot remember what happened 6 months ago.

I’m also very sorry that you don’t like “hunch” but other than “chichis up” and “thottin and plottin,” it is the thing these Floribama kids say the most. So we’re stuck with it, just for this post. And here we are, my top moments:

  1. Agreed, “mac and cheeeeeese biiiiiiiiitch” is the best moment of the season, nay the century.
  2. The girls trying out their Spanish and getting Nilsa’s mom to teach them “chichis up” en español.
  3. Codi introducing his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Butts, to the crew. Mr. Butts drank everyone under the table, plus got his son a date with Candace.
  4. Aimee joyfully fulfilling her destiny as a real-life mermaid at an aquarium (where one can presumably also pay for the privilege of becoming a real-life mermaid!).
  5. Surprisingly, Nilsa and Jeremiah having a drama-free beach day, and trying to stay afloat in their pool toy in the ocean tops off the list. Probably the only time Jeremiah wasn’t insufferable.

Brooke, any swaps for your official top five? Do you think that Jeremiah should be able to wear his pink palm tree shirt in peace? And if you were to go on a reality TV show at the beach, would you pick Floribama or Jersey? Or neither, and create your own show in Hawaii, for example?

B: I think my only swap might be for position five — I also enjoyed that drama-free respite, but I equally loved Codi and Candace’s date. It was over-the-top, but Codi was an absolute sweetheart and Candace deserves to know what she deserves, you know? I guarantee GatorJaySouthsideGod231 (or whatever it was) never got her a bottle of Henny or had a song dedicated to her.

This palm tree shirt question is a doozy. I was firmly with Candace and Kirk and Gus in believing that the world needed to be spared that outfit. But having seen him dressed like a normal at the reunion, I kind of think that get-up is the warning the world deserves. It says: Stay away from this bro. Which for reasons I can’t fully explain, reminds me of two other favorite moments:

  1. Nilsa telling Gus AND Josh (Jeremiah’s jackhole brother) to kiss off in the same night. Girl found her power and her peace and I respect it.
  2. Jeremiah and Gus wearing a hot dog costume and/or hat to the bar — it took place on different days, but the clear messaging of “bro’s a wiener” was satisfying.

If I were to go on a beach-based MTV reality show I would definitely want to launch my own installment. Hawai’i seems perfect for a primary location, but I want our vacation-in-a-vacation to be to Singapore, you know, like the private island in Crazy Rich Asians. 

Here’s the biggest question of all, AM. Gus may or may not be back next season. However that shakes out, will we be back?

A: I’m going to throw out the Seychelles or Bali or Cape Town, South Africa as consideration for beach reality shows. I don’t know what our hook would be, because I’d much rather do a travel and eating show than a show that requires me to live in a house with 8 drunk strangers.

I think we might be done? It’s hard to walk away from these crazy kids, but I also feel like Gus isn’t wrong to walk away. I don’t think he’s bringing shame on his family by flirting (with the same line every time) and having a good time, but hey, if he feels like he’s doing something embarrassing or unseemly, more power to him. At least then maybe he’ll stop saying “you never know what will happen” to Nilsa when clearly he doesn’t want her as his girlfriend.

And unlike Laguna Beach / The Hills, where we both have personal and professional celebrity mentors living their best lives, I don’t know that we’re invested enough in these lives to continue. Or maybe we’ll have to tune in to find out what happens to Aimee and her legal drama, watch Kort’s continued positive growth, and maybe Codi and Candace become a real-life couple. Brooke, can we quit this show?

B: Ultimately, I think we can. And pretty easily. This season didn’t leave us wanting more. But, I could also see a future where we might check on them once or twice a season, just to see how they’re coming along, you know?

Next time on Required Viewing we’re going gritty with an early Jennifer Lawrence turn.

About Annemarie Moody Miller

We Write Things Co-Scribbler-in-Chief. Wordsmith. Globetrotter. Shark Enthusiast. Denver Native. I like to write and read all the things.