To answer the obvious question, yes we’re still watching The Hills. We took a break for more cultured offerings, but we’re back. And we’re still on Season 3, but that ends now. Brooke, what are your thoughts on the final installment of this third season of this wonderful reality show? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love Kelly Cutrone and hate Speidi? We didn’t really talk about the emergence of Stephanie She-Pratt last time, so please, thoughts on her burgeoning relationship with LC. And also, the living situation. Do you think Audrina is right that she and Lo will “never be friends”?

The Hills

 

B: That’s a lot of questions all at once! My biggest takeaway now that season three has finally ended is that it ended pretty blandly. For all that has happened, the reunion of Speidi, and Audrina and Lo’s heart-to-heart was really all we had by way of a cliffhanger or climax. And who wanted to see Speidi back together? No one. Zero actual people. Which, I suppose brings me the answer your next question. My love for Cutrone is sitting around a 9 right now, as is my disdain for Speidi. See, as much as I can’t stand them, I really enjoy judging Speidi, so we need them.

As for the She-Pratt, she’s a pretty transparent producer meddling to keep this universe together when LC and Heidi are clearly farther apart than ever. She’s enabled some interesting shade and faux-outrage, but she’s kind of the new Audrina. She’s mostly just there. Meanwhile, Audrina FINALLY did something. Which is to say, she was spot-on in her convo with Lo. Those two won’t ever be friends. Lo’s one of my favorites, but she’s not at all welcoming. She has no natural bond with Audrina. And while she’s long been actual friends with LC, she and Audrina are more or less competing for screen time at this point. This whole, “let’s have these three get a pad together” situation is one of worst cracks so far in the “reality” veneer. Not one of these girls can act, and all three of them look like they are talking about work when they are talking about moving in together. They never managed to sell the idea that their housing situation would work, so it was the opposite of surprising that it started to fall apart. Also, it’s not like they need the money, so I’m not sure why they would live together except to foster camera fodder.

Am I too cynical AM? Do you think there’s anything real in this situation? And what’s your take on the whole Heidi-Vegas thing?

The Hills

AM: I don’t think even Heidi really wanted Speidi to happen at this point. I cannot stand the stance Spencer takes by flying to Vegas and unnecessarily tearing Heidi away from her possible huge promotion and move. Dude, that’s an argument that could have waited when Sam wasn’t there, at the very least. Of course, I’m certain that Heidi wasn’t really a true employee at this point, so that entire thing was entirely for the cameras. Sam’s not dumb, so there’s no way that whole overblown scenario was even real. Heidi wasn’t really going to move to Vegas, she never was in line for that huge promotion, and I sincerely doubt that Speidi was in danger in the first place. We’re meant to think they allllllmost broke up, but the arguments were again, largely for the camera. All filler, no killer. So that perhaps makes me just as cynical as you!

I absolutely adore the house that LC, Lo and Audrina move into, but there’s no way that Audrina should have moved in. I’m honestly undecided as to whether that whole thing was for the cameras as well, but the logical side of my brain says it was. Counter point: LC had been living with Audrina, so presumably she was either cool with Audrina or cool with the producers running EVERY aspect of her home life. I feel like there was true friendship there, and I can see LC trying to have her cake (live with Lo in a house) and eat it too (continue living with Audrina). Clearly, Audrina should have moved into that awesome downtown L.A. loft we saw briefly. I can speak from personal experience that a 3-roomie situation is exponentially more complicated and fraught with conflict than a 2-roomie situation, a lesson LC learns quickly. She feels put in the middle because Audrina is physically separated and becoming more distant as Lo and LC get closer. And also Lo is possibly the least friendly person to people she doesn’t like that much. “Unwelcoming” is a good word, but so is “cold.” Lo knows what she likes and who she likes, and Audrina and hanging out in music recording studios just don’t do it for her.

While I do so dearly love that Kelly Cutrone is now the True Boss Lady, I miss that they didn’t say a proper goodbye to Teen Vogue and Lisa Love. Sure, LC was bored sitting in the closet ALL THE TIME, but we get no conclusion to that, no “2 weeks notice” chat and no last words of advice from our girl Lisa. Lost opportunity, and I honestly don’t know the backstory as to why it was so unceremonious.

hills

I almost can’t with Stephanie. I feel for her because Spencer is the world’s worst brother, but she probably already knew that and shouldn’t have let him crash with her. Again, the producer meddling is almost too much. These are rich kids, bankrolled by not only MTV but Mom & Dad, so I’m not buying that Spencer had to sleep in Stephanie’s living room. I love that she has a 2-bedroom apartment (CONDO, whatever, She-Pratt!) and uses one bedroom as a closet. Love it, girl. Never change. Stephanie doesn’t have a lot to do right now, but don’t worry. She doesn’t go away and she might even have a storyline of her own next season. Or not, I don’t know anything about this show.

Brooke, since we’ve established that LC is my hero, let’s talk about who you’d be at Audrina’s birthday party. Would you hang with Brody and the crew inside the house, or would you jump drunkenly into the pool like Audrina’s punk friends? Speaking of Brody, I admit I miss his presence the last half of the season. I believe season 3 is when LC had a secret off-camera boyfriend that MTV supposedly didn’t know about until it was over. But that brings us to Doug. What are your thoughts on the new man friend?

The Hills

B: I honestly already forgot that Doug existed. In retrospect, it’s nice that he jumped in and helped with the grilling, but he clearly didn’t leave an impression. Though, in this world, that’s not a bad thing. Look at Justin Bobby and Jason and Spencer — those are some strong personalities, and they are all a real bummer. I’m going to go back to rooting for Talan to make a surprise return. There’s a guy I can cheer for. Am I to assume that you would be LC at Audrina’s party then? I’ll go forward assuming that. I think I probably would have kept to the fringes mostly, but if it came down to Brody’s pack of bros or Audrina’s punk pals, I probably would have gone the way of the weirdos. Brody’s boys seem harmless, but like Doug, I recall them wearing basketball jerseys and I’m more keen on bright hair that’s been artfully arranged with some product. (As long as I’m not the one making the effort).

I have to take a beat here to comment on some recent Hills-related news in real life. And since you told me this AM, I’m not in violation of any rules. To the horror of everyone, Heidi has joined LC in being preggo at the moment, and evidently, our gal Whitney is also boarding the soon-to-be-mom train. Whit is the most rational person on this show, so I’m sure she’ll do a lovely job as a parent. And LC has a good head on her shoulders, a decent moral compass, and seemingly some of the only parents in Laguna Beach who actually had rules, so I think she’ll similarly crush this whole mom thing. I don’t even want to think about what Speidi will do to a child.

But I do want to share what all of this news did to my brain. When you reminded me of how super pregnant this (now former) cast is right now my immediate (and absurd) thought was PRODUCER MEDDLING. Obviously, the producers aren’t actually pulling the string on all of this family planning, but I bet somewhere they are smiling happy smiles and hoping Heidi and LC both have daughters. Why, you ask? Let me fill you in. In this conspiracy theory, the producers are envisioning a path to get the whole band back together. Whether the world wants to or not, a fair few people know that KCav is already a mom to two boys, affectionately known as “the Cutlets’ by the folks on The League. By the time LC and Heidi’s hypothetical daughters are old enough to hit the dating scene, the Cutlets will be worldly older guys who will almost certainly have picked up some sort of inherent game from their mom. The producers will conspire to have these chaps meet the wee LC and Heidi gals. Flirtations, real or manipulated will be forged and the producers will have LC right where they want her, at last. Trapped between her two greatest antagonists, will she reconnect with Heidi in the interest of keeping their daughters away from the Cutlets? (Honestly, unlikely since she was genuinely hurt by Heidi and Speidi would almost certainly encourage their daughter to date a TV-bait fella.) OR will she fight the good fight alone, trying to walk the line between cool and overbearing to try to let her kid come to what she deems is the right conclusion on her own? And all the while, she’ll come back into contact with KCav, realize this isn’t the end of the world, and come around to the idea that they could have been friends all along. Then, together, they’ll go find Stephen and make him buy them a lot of lobsters and apologize to the world for the way he wore his glasses before acknowledging for the record that they blamed each other when he was the problem. So yeah, producers? When you make this a thing, you can cut me a sweet check, or hit me on venmo.

Alright, /tangent. Now that we’ve addressed that, I want to raise a semi-related topic. #TeamNeverStephen came back. Again. And Lauren fell right back into her old habits. Again. I need your thoughts. Go.

The Hills

A: I delight in your horror that Speidi is reproducing. Honestly, even though they’re the WORST on the show, I have hopes that they’ll be decent parents, given that they’ve been together for like 10 years at this point. However, I don’t know what they do besides try to profit off of the old fame game, so that’s a huge strike against them. I agree that Whit and LC are the best equipped to be awesome moms, and I do honestly wish all three the best. I wholeheartedly agree that the MTV producers can’t believe their luck that all three women are pregnant at basically the same exact time. It’s a little nuts considering how long it’s been and how different their lives are now. I’m positive your show spin-off idea is absolute ratings gold, but you forgot one major element: Kristin also has a daughter, her youngest. How does that factor into the construct you’ve built up? Her name is Saylor, and perhaps she could be the newest girls’ older BFF? Perhaps she can be the conduit to a group bonding session? We shall have to wait an appropriate amount of time to see, as LC, Whit and Heidi all haven’t given birth yet, but we shall keep an eye out to see if daughters do indeed happen.

The amazing thing about high school crushes is that they do not seem to go away, especially on this show. LC’s seen a thing or two, hopefully gained some wisdom when it comes to boys, but then Stephen walks in and she melts. It was a relatively innocent dinner date, but you could tell that if Stephen had made any sort of move, LC would have been game. I believe we’ve seen the last of #TeamNeverStephen, for better or for worse. Doug is in the picture now, and as boring as he is now, I promise there will be future intrigue involving him.

And of course in my hypothetical scenario I’m LC. Duh.

Once again, we’ve waxed poetic for quite some time, and I believe we’ve met the word count requirement long ago. Brooke, regale us with your final thoughts on Saylor (Kristin’s daughter) and I want you to guess what the Doug drama might contain.

B: Word count, shmerd count. No one can rein us in! #LevityNoyBrevity. But yeah, we’ve definitely discussed this to death. I honestly had no idea that Saylor existed, because I really don’t know anything about this show. But I’m pretty thrilled that KCav has a daughter to mentor in her ways. I like the idea that the wee Kristin could go on to be a mentor to tiny Whit, LC and Heidi. My initial instinct that she would crop up occasionally and drop mad shade on her brothers and their would-be boos, but I kind of like the idea of her going against type and being the hero Kristin could have been if only she and LC could have managed not to hate each other so much. So let’s go ahead and call Saylor the link that will allow Kristin and LC to have a Bette and Joan-esque, “you mean we could have been friends all this time?” kind of moment. That’s the future I want.

As for Doug, I really can scarcely remember this kid, so I cannot imagine that he registers all that much with LC either. So, maybe, she will hang with him another time or two before it fizzles out, then dismiss him, but desperate to remain on the show, he gets with the She-Pratt to bring her full circle back to the villain side of the cast? I think I am probably, definitely right about this. But we both know you won’t tell me anyway.

 

 


 

We’re sticking in the hills of Los Angeles on our next outing, but we’re getting quite a different look at life in The City of Angels. Get your stealth skills ready, it’s time to rob.

About Annemarie Moody Miller

We Write Things Co-Scribbler-in-Chief. Wordsmith. Globetrotter. Shark Enthusiast. Denver Native. I like to write and read all the things.

Comments

comments