One of the reasons we’re still watching this show appeared like magic during this next (but not last) chunk of Season 3 episodes: Kelly Cutrone. I want to first get Brooke’s thoughts before sharing mine on this subject and several others we have somehow yet managed not to discuss. Brooke, take it away!

The Hills

B: Kelly Cutrone. What a woman. We met her way back in season one when she dropped a sweet, sweet burn on a frazzled Lauren at a Teen Vogue event. It was something to the tune of “You’re going to have to move a lot faster if you want to make it in this industry.” It was honest, relevant feedback. And it also made the part of me that quotes Regina George laugh, a lot.

I am an LC fan, but my fondness for her was born in seeing her react to situations like this, so seeing Cutrone back in the fold gives me a lot of nostalgia and optimism. From what I have seen so far, her return to The Hills universe doesn’t really have anything to do with LC. Rather, she’s taking Whitney — who’s had enough of the Teen Vogue life — under her wing. Or perhaps, more accurately, under the heel of her shoe. Sure, she hired Whitney, but she also warned her that taking the job was the equivalent of making a deal with the Devil. “You’re going to have to give up your entire life … but you’ll get a whole new one.” Basically, Cutrone is a walking, talking “Do it they said, it’ll be fun they said” meme.

We’ve only just encountered the tip of the proverbial Cutrone iceberg. But she’s already made an impression. I’ll just put it this way. I’ve retired the phrase “like a boss” in favor of “like a Cutrone.” I’m hoping (and officially predicting) that LC will end up in Cutrone land so we can see much more of this woman who has no time for anyone and simply refuses to apologize for it.

The other major “event” in this set of episodes has been to do with Spencer. He’s “left” Heidi a number of times at this point. The most recent departure we’ve seen seems to have found him camped out at She-Pratt’s for a long enough amount of time that Lauren knows about the situation (LC and She-Pratt are sort of aca-awkward friends now). At some point during all of this Heidi takes off for her hometown to get some “space” but also it looks like she got some off-camera surgery. Anywho, in predictable fashion, Spencer goes out there and tries to make a big romantic gesture that just ends up uncomfortable. It exhausts me just to contemplate the unnecessary drama in that relationship — AM, distill it down to the key points for us, won’t you?

The Hills

A: Key Point #1 that you must understand is that Heidi and Spencer at this point understand and embrace their roles as villains on this show. They posture and clearly fake fight a lot (and I’m sorry to say this won’t be the end of the contrived drama between them) all for the purposes of eventually getting back together.

I can’t remember which fight it was, since I know it’s happened several times already, but the general theme is this: They arrange themselves on their couches, talk about how Spencer doesn’t want a wedding, Heidi wants a massive over-the-top extravaganza, they bicker, and Spencer leaves stage left out the front door. This fight will have several variations on it as we move forward, and it’s no spoiler (since you and I both know they’re still married IRL as of this writing) to say that it will always end with Heidi back with Spencer, despite how much you’re rooting for her to actually leave.

I’ve mentioned before that I greatly enjoy this re-watch because Brooke points out things I never noticed when I saw these eps on MTV originally almost 10 years ago. One of those things is the fact that Heidi clearly goes back to Crested Butte to get some face stuff done. She leaves LA looking one way and you next see her with plumper lips and a tighter face, not to mention something unnaturally blonder about her hair. The surgery obsession hasn’t been mentioned on camera yet, but I do recall the tabloids remarking on her shifting appearance with no small amount of glee during this time period, and I’m sorry to say that it will only get worse before it gets better.

She-Pratt and LC conveniently have a computer class together! My favorite part is that Stephanie showed up late to the first day, what a Steph thing to do. She and LC sort of realize they do have a lot in common, not in the least that neither really like Spencer that much. Lo and Audrina warn LC to little effect not to trust Stephanie, but LC’s decided that she’s a good person and moves forward with an ill-advised, albeit tentative friendship.

Brooke, you’re forgetting about Not-Justin Bobby, Corey! What did you think of Audrina’s new Aussie beau? And how about that trip to Paris? Do you buy that LC would have really said no AGAIN to hang with Brody? Never mind that this trip was clearly not an entire summer, but a week or so?

The Hills

B: Oh yeah, Corey. Audrina still really isn’t doing anything, but this new chap, Corey, seems much better than Justin Bobby. Corey needs to change his lip ring because it looks a bit like a scab on camera, but even so, he’s a vast improvement. Mostly because he seems like a decent human being. The bar is low, but I’m on Lauren’s side in this, give this guy a chance.

Ugh, I forgot they even tried to pretend Lauren would think about giving up her chance to shed her reputation as “the girl who didn’t go to Paris.” SPOILER ALERT LC, you will never live that down. But yeah, she was clearly desperate to go this time. The producers didn’t really even give creating the illusion that she thought twice a college try. I must say though, that the whole Brody link to this story was absurd. LC and Whitney head to Paris for less than a week end everyone in this show acts as if they are going on a years-long voyage. Can we get Cutrone on the scene to slap everyone and tell them to be cool?

Anyway, as this whole ginned-up LC-Brody will-they, won’t-they arc continues to drag, the show uses the Paris trip as “a big moment.” Brody protests (entirely too much) about her departure and how he’ll miss her and blah, blah, blah. In betwixt Lauren getting midnight tours of Paris from a musician on a motorcycle and burning couture dresses with a curling iron, she gets a call from Audrina that Brody is at Les Deux with some girl he calls his girlfriend. If that’s true, bro, it’s been like four days, get a hold of yourself. Of course, this also leads Lauren to doing some protesting of her own, even though she and Brody “don’t get jealous of each other.” This arc is weak. Let’s vote it off of the island shall we?

AM, what else should we takeaway from Lauren finally going to Paris? And what about that really pretty sweet moment she had with Lisa Love ahead of the Paris trip? But also, can we call a bit of nonsense on the idea that the one week in Paris really did change everything for LC? It helped Whitney make some decisions, but it didn’t have any real lasting impact on LC.

The Hills

A: Paris is legitimately one of the most ridiculously beautiful places I’ve ever been. Plus they have entire stores dedicated to macarons. You have to go, Brooke, seriously. But maybe don’t do it like our girls did it, with Whit blindly letting LC lead, even when it means having to go on emergency shoe rescue and burned gown replacement operations. LC seemed uncharacteristically reckless on this trip, so maybe Paris does change everything? You could do worse than a Parisian rock star on a moped, I suppose.

I do enjoy quite a bit that Lisa Love gave Lauren a nice push and pep talk. I absolutely love that Lisa ran away to Paris when she was 15. That’s pretty baddass and also explains why her French is impeccable. I’m going to start hanging up the phone with “D’accord!” because I can accomplish an “OK!” even with my lousy high school French. You’re right that Paris has changed something for Whit (and the producers, who’ve probably been dying since season 1 to bring back Cutrone). She’s not that psyched about being a reporter or writer, and hey, she works for a magazine so of COURSE Kimball the editor is going to give her some “Yeah you seemed really unnatural talking to Parisian debutants for this story” shade. Kimball is another one of my side character favorites on The Hills. I can’t remember if he shows up again, but I’ll enjoy another round if he does. Whit does an amazing job standing up to Cutrone, I have to say. I’ve had job interviews that slightly resembled that one and she did way better than I.

Brooke might hold the theory that the producers burned LC’s dress by surreptitiously turning on the curling iron next to her hanging dress, but I personally believe that she simply didn’t love the one she was given, wore it hemmed to the blue dance club discotheque and got herself a new one for the big ball. It was an improvement in style, even if Brody getting a Les Deux girlfriend almost ruined the night. Also, I looked up the big le Bal des Débutantes and it only debuted in 1992! I’m a bit bummed it’s not a holdover from the days of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI.

We’ll also see if your prediction about Lauren going over to Cutrone’s company is accurate. I also can’t say what’s going to happen with Audrina and Corey. I also won’t comment further on how they’ll continue to make the Lody thing try to happen. I don’t know anything about this show, after all. I only know that Audrina will be there for it.

Any additional thoughts, Brooke? If you were offered a trip to Paris for free would you even let the person offer you the chance to go before you said “YES!”?

The Hills

B: I mean, if Audrina wasn’t there, the Earth might stop spinning, Audrina being there for no real reason is the only thing we can really count on in this crazy mixed-up world. Also a thing of certainty, if someone offered me a trip to Paris, I would say YASYASYAS even before they could finish the thought, just to make sure they couldn’t take said offer back. Believe me when I say a trip there has been on my must list for a long, long while. I firmly believe it could change everything for me, even if LC only got to act a bit out of the norm.

These last seven? or is it eight? episodes (I can’t remember) of Season 3 best give us an awful lot of Cutrone action, cause I’m really, really over Lody. Somehow, I suspect I’ll get a much greater dose of that nonsense (probably fake) drama, but a girl can dream.

Next time, we’re going back into the land of Tim Burton’s imagination with Edward Scissorhands.

About Annemarie Moody Miller

We Write Things Co-Scribbler-in-Chief. Wordsmith. Globetrotter. Shark Enthusiast. Denver Native. I like to write and read all the things.