Over the past half decade, the Colorado Avalanche have sputtered through head coach after head coach, only to move backwards as a franchise. Patrick Roy served as head coach for the previous three years, and it was only days ago that he announced his resignation from the Avs.
Like history remembers the Olympic Opening Ceremonies for their remarkable displays of WTF, and history remembers the neutrally named soda OK, you will remember this day. Now that the Roy has left the building and the fat lady is now singing on Spotify, I believe the time is right.
Today, I, Steve Ruygrok, am here to submit my not so formal resume for the currently unoccupied position of Colorado Avalanche Head Coach.
As the angered mother moose stomps a mud-hole in the candy asses of drunk Texans trying to pet its babies, so will the Colorado Avalanche reclaim the round throne of Lord Stanley’s Cup with me as head coach. Over the course of my 5 seasons as Being A GM, I diligently guided the Arizona Coyotes to five Stanley Cups, achieved a herculean record of 400-10, and did what no person on this Earth thought would ever be possible: Make hockey popular in Arizona.
To top your ice cream with my whipped cream, I even sifted through the cluttered bowels of NHL 16 to spot longtime AHL journeyman Beards McFanny just when he was coming into his prime at age 72, with an overall rating of 99. Despite trying to retire each year, he managed to accumulate a prepubescent 560 goals, 800 assists and 1360 points in his first 5 years in the league.
Beards also impregnated his wife of 50 years, Mrs. McFanny. The couple enjoyed a sunlit afternoon dinner where they celebrated her 70th birthday. His genetic defining thrust took place prior to lights out at 5 p.m. in the old folks home. We would like to wish him a speedy recovery from his hip replacement surgery.
Patrick Roy was a man who pushed his way into the playoffs during 2013-2014 season. I will carry his torch of elderly violence forward, and proudly flip birds of the middle finger the next time Bruce Boudreau tries to uncourageously flap his gums.
Fear not Colorado Avalanche fans, I will not be some one-hit wonder like Lorde, peace out after one season, and leave you with the peasantly track “Royals” jumbling through your head like Queen Latifah in an inflatable bounce house.
No no Denver. When Kroenke wises up and hires me as Avalanche Head Coach, you won’t just get the whole enchilada because I’m going to give you the beans, black and runny.
I’m a hot tamale in the free agent pool of knowledge, however, I am receiving an offer from EA Sports NHL 17 to serve as head coach of the Las Vegas Winner Winner Chicken Dinners. Kroenke has a deadline of Sept. 13 to offer me the position of Avalanche Head Coach, after which time I will become a Dinner.
All that I ask in return is 3,000 pounds of gold bricks with the Balinese Dancer, Big Bill’s New York Pizza for life, and The Room of Requirement. I await word from Kroenke on first light of the 13th day. At dawn, I will look to the east.
Top photo credit: Letartean